WASHINGTON—Stopping at a local café for a quick bite between campaign events, a puzzled President Joe Biden repeatedly slammed his hand into the front of a glass display case while attempting to grab a pastry, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Well, that looks just too darn good to pass up—ouch, what the heck?” said the commander-in-chief, shaking the pain out of his hand and then trying again to reach an almond bear claw that was drizzled with with white icing and sitting on a shelf behind a half inch of glass. “Hmm, that didn’t work either, but certainly this time it will. Ow! Okay, wise guy, I’m the president, and I want to eat you. What the—Jill, get over here and help me! Look, I’m a nice guy, but don’t make me get the Secret Service involved.” At press time, President Biden’s face was pressed up against the café’s front window, and he was reportedly wondering why he wasn’t able to storm out of the place.
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