LONDON—Her royal eye trained on the building entrance in careful anticipation of potential parcel thieves, Queen Elizabeth II reportedly concealed herself in the shrubbery Monday in order to apprehend whoever was stealing the packages from the Buckingham Palace porch. “Just last week, I ordered the loveliest FitBit Charge 3, received a notification that it had been delivered, and, upon arriving home, found that someone had stolen it. I have re-ordered the item, and if an attempt is made to steal this one, I intend to catch the fucker,” said the 92-year-old monarch, who primly grumbled vows of revenge while aiming a double-barreled fowling piece at the front steps of the royal residence. “Naturally, I placed a sign on the portico in case one of my neighbors took it by accident, but of course no one has yet returned it. And FitBits are rather dear; that’s 120 pounds sterling I shan’t see again. But I’m going to make damn sure this one doesn’t get taken. Honestly, I simply can’t believe how much this neighborhood has gone downhill.” At press time, the queen had fired a volley of birdshot just above the head of a shadowy figure that turned out to be Prince Philip.

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