LONDON—Following last week’s announcement that the Tower of London guards known as Beefeaters could face layoffs for the first time since their formation in 1485, Queen Elizabeth II reportedly grew concerned Tuesday that she could be “next on the chopping block.” “Oh dear, if the Yeoman Warders who keep watch over my Crown Jewels have been sacked, it won’t be long before they get ’round to me, will it?” said the visibly nervous 94-year-old monarch, who acknowledged the severity of her country’s economic downturn and conceded she had carried out far fewer knightings since the coronavirus lockdown began, despite continuing to receive her estimated $97.2 million annual salary. “Eventually some consultant will notice I’m still on the payroll and decide my kingdom can get along without me. I suppose I have been coasting a bit for the past six or seven decades. If they do make me redundant, they’ll have to restructure a bit, since no one else here has the same job title I do—or maybe they’ll just replace me with someone younger.” At press time, sources confirmed the queen was making phone calls and sending emails in an attempt to at least look busy.
More from The Onion