LONDON—Following the United Kingdom’s historic vote to exit the European Union, sources confirmed that Queen Elizabeth II spent Friday frantically screaming at her stockbroker to dump everything. “Just get rid of whatever we have—right now, goddammit!” said Her Royal Highness, who reportedly slammed her fist against a 16th-century desk while shouting at her broker over the phone. “There’s no time, so dump the whole fucking portfolio—all of it—on anybody who will take it. Just hurry the fuck up and do it!” At press time, after speaking with several financial advisors, Queen Elizabeth had gathered the rest of the Royal Family together to inform them they will have to cut back by eliminating servants and start pitching in more around Buckingham Palace.

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