Quiz: Are You Ready For College?

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The transition to college life can be tough on even the most prepared among us. Here’s a quiz to test whether you’re ready to head off to higher ed!

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Q: Are you absolutely, completely financially fucked?

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A: Great! Go on in.

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Q: What are the five most important things you need to bring to college?

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A: An electric kettle, a second electric kettle, a third electric kettle, a fourth electric kettle, and a towel.

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Q: What is the best martial art to learn to kill your awful roommate with your bare hands?

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A: Krav Maga.

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Q: Are you a middle-aged plus-sized-clothing-store mogul who bribes his way into college in order to secure his son’s affection and becomes briefly entangled with the school’s diving team to relive past glories, only to learn an important lesson about hard work and honesty along the way?

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A: Sounds like you’re ready, then!

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Q: Have you stopped receiving nutrients via umbilical cord?

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A: If you’re chewing solid foods and no longer attached to the placenta in your mother’s womb, it’s a surefire signs you’re ready to hit the books!

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Q: Have you lost your virginity to the high school janitor?

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A: Hey, don’t be the loser who shows up to your first dorm party still clutching your pearls about sexuality. Let your freak flag fly and get down with the 49-year-old Moldovan janitor at your high school. Everyone else has!

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Q: What is a work-study program?

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A: Something for kids whose parents don’t love them enough to send an allowance.

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Q: Can aluminum foil go in the microwave?

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A: Sure, why not. This is college, baby. Anything goes.

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Q: Anyone going to a party tonight?

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A: Yeah, we are. You’re not.

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Q: Since you and your high school sweetheart are now going to two different colleges, what are you doing to prepare yourself for the emotional fallout?

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A: Nothing, we’re going to stay together forever.

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Q: Will the tall man you sometimes see on the edge of your periphery late at night follow you to college?

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A: He follows me everywhere.

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Q: Have you prepared any needlessly contrarian opinions yet?

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A: Actually, water is bad.

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Q: Have you learned how to read?

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A: You still have a few days.

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Q: Which meal plan did you choose?

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A: Bronze Plan: Unlimited on-campus dumpster diving. This is much better than the Silver Plan (90 individual ramen packets per semester) or the Gold Plan (Hot Pocket of your choosing microwaved and brought to your dorm room every evening).

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Q: Have you prepared a fun fact about yourself?

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A: Many students do not come prepared and end up dropping out of college at the first sign of an icebreaker.

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Q: Have you sat your father down and told him he’s the man of the house now?

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A: With you away for four long years, it’s time for your dad to grow up and step into the role of family patriarch.

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