R.L. Stine Admits Every Book He’s Written Directly Dictated To Him By God

Illustration for article titled R.L. Stine Admits Every Book He’s Written Directly Dictated To Him By God

COLUMBUS, OH—Revealing at long last the creative process behind a successful career during which he has written over 300 books, best-selling children’s author R.L. Stine disclosed during an interview Monday that all of his writing is dictated to him directly by God. “One morning, I was walking in the woods behind my house when lo! I suddenly heard the voice of the Lord ring out, commanding me to transcribe His message. I fell to my knees and received His divine command to publish His truths, verbatim, in a series of 120-page horror fiction books for kids to purchase at Scholastic book fairs across the country,” said Stine, insisting he could never take full credit for classics such as Say Cheese And Die or Phantom Of The Auditorium, as he had merely served as a conduit for the teachings of the divine Creator. “It could have been anyone on Earth, but He chose me to act as a herald of His voice and a vessel for His words, and I feel truly humbled. There were times when I cursed the tremendous burden of channeling The Supreme Being, and I often asked myself, ‘Why me? Why must I be the one to write Under The Magician’s Spell?’ But I knew there was a higher purpose for me, much like that revealed in the divine text of Stay Out Of The Basement.” Stine noted that like many readers, he, too, still wrestles with accepting that Slappy the Dummy is actually the next Messiah.