EVANSTON, IL—Admitting that the anticipation had been the worst part, a local rabbit who was recently caught by a hawk confirmed Tuesday that it was in all honesty relieved it could finally just relax. “You know, you spend your whole life living in fear that one day this big catastrophe is going to happen to you, and then when it does, it’s actually kind of a relief,” said the rabbit, its punctured body dangling above the ground in the talons of a red-tailed hawk. “When you’re constantly in panic mode, your anxiety really starts to define you, and now it’s like a huge weight has left my shoulders. I’ve always been super tense, fearfully darting from bush to bush. I could never enjoy nibbling on clover without suddenly freaking out. Whoo! It’s funny to think about all the time I spent trying to avoid this exact situation, and yet, here we are. Ah well, I guess that’s why they say, ‘We plan, God laughs.’” At press time, the rabbit admitted that having its sinew torn from its flesh by a nest full of hawk chicks really wasn’t all that bad.
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