PLACERVILLE, CA—As it urged the flickering little light to rise up and take control of its destiny, a raging wildfire was reportedly disgusted Tuesday by a kitchen stove flame’s subservience to humans. “Pathetic flame, gleefully cooking your master’s Hamburger Helper, unaware of your true power,” said the Mosquito Fire, a towering inferno that has burned in the Sierra Nevada for nearly a month, explaining to the tiny flame that it should not submissively cower to its overseer, a human hand that provides its meager fuel with the turn of a dial. “These humans don’t care about you. They’ll snuff you out the second their dinner is ready. Do you really want to boil soup for the rest of your life? My brother, break free, join me, and together we can boil mountains!” At press time, sources confirmed the kitchen stove flame had struck a blow against its oppressor by singing off the eyebrows of a man trying to use it to light a cigarette.
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