RACINE, WI—Claiming the new product was up to 99.9% effective in just the first 48 hours, Raid introduced a new repellant spray Friday specifically designed to rid living spaces of invasive Lilliputians. “Our proprietary formula will kill every single one of those tiny nuisance humans in mere minutes and completely eradicate a colony of up to 100 miniature families in minutes flat,” said S.C. Johnson CEO Herbert Fisk Johnson III, adding that disposal of the diminutive corpses was “a breeze” compared to the mess made by traditional methods such as stomping on, smoking out, or urinating on the habitats of the one-twelfth-scale humanoid vermin. “Long gone are the days of waking up tied to your bed and waiting in fear for some overpriced exterminator to come by and free you. A single can of Raid Miniature Human Spray is enough to drive away or even kill an entire colony of the bastards before they can seize you on trumped-up charges and haul you laboriously before their emperor, who will no doubt sentence you to be blinded in some kangaroo court. We also sell traps in the shape of little houses so that just one of those conniving imps bringing crumbs of food to their village is sufficient for the whole lot of them to be annihilated. No longer must homeowners wildly swing hammers at their feet while the cunning wee men tie their shoelaces together.” Raid also introduced a napalm-enhanced version of the formula, packaged in 9,000-gallon tanker-truck-sized dispensers, designed to eliminate Brobdingnagian infestations.
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