ABERDEEN, MS—Expressing feelings of insecurity over her appearance, an organic raspberry revealed Thursday that she was incredibly self-conscious about her amount of body hair. “I know it says more about society than it does about me, but I still feel pretty bad about all this fuzz,” said the raspberry, admitting that it was difficult to maintain self-esteem and confidence when she could notice people recoiling at the sight of her hair. “I’ve tried to get rid of it, but it always grows back even more patchy and coarse than before. It’s just hard to look at my peers and not feel inferior—blueberries have such smooth skin. I’ve heard the other berries talking shit, calling me the ‘hirsute fruit.’ God, sometimes I hope I get tossed into a blender and chopped up for a smoothie.” At press time, the visibly depressed raspberry cursed her Greek origins for her tragic predicament.
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