WALTHAM, MA—Saying he was sick and tired of getting shortchanged by the defense contractor, Raytheon employee Dennis McCormick confirmed Wednesday that he was going to be pissed if his holiday bonus this year turned out to be a missile again. “Those cheap bastards had better pony up some actual cash instead of just throwing us a token cruise missile like they did last time,” said McCormick, explaining that his team had recently landed a major contract in the Syria conflict and he expected to receive something better than the surplus precision-targeted weapons systems he had been given as a bonus in years past. “They’re such fucking tightwads. Seriously, if I wanted another Tomahawk or Sidewinder or TALON laser-guided rocket, I’d use my employee discount. As it is, these things are just taking up space in my attic. I’ve tried selling them online, but by the time you pay international shipping, you hardly break even.” At press time, McCormick was using tissue paper to wrap an SM-3 Interceptor so he could regift it during the office’s annual Secret Santa exchange.

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