ARLINGTON, VA—In what military experts have touted as a stunning breakthrough in advanced weaponry, defense contractor Raytheon Technologies unveiled Wednesday the first precision-guided missile said to be capable of targeting and scuffing up Jordans. “Our new surface-to-air missile is able to identify, lock on to, and scratch up a pair of clean Air Jordans from up to 2,000 miles away,” said Raytheon spokesperson Vincent Davenport, detailing how the missile’s infrared technology and decision-making algorithm could engage with all models of Michael Jordan’s iconic brand of Nike sneakers, from the original 1985 high-top to the latest Jordan 35. “When it reaches full operational capability, this weapons system will be able to deliver a devastating blow to any adversary dripped out in streetwear. It can be used to conduct surgical strikes with detonations powerful enough to penetrate shoe boxes, dust covers, and even display cases, administering cosmetic blemishes to the Jordans that significantly decrease their market value.” With its product still in the development phase, Raytheon admitted the missile still had difficulty acquiring high-value targets and often scuffed-up fake Jordans by mistake.
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