Illustration for article titled Recently Concussed Americans March On Washington D.C. Demanding The Right To Sleep

WASHINGTON—Meandering through the National Mall as they forgot where they were headed, thousands of recently concussed Americans marched on Washington D.C. Thursday demanding the right to sleep. “Every citizen deserves to go night-night for just a few minutes without being shaken awake by those who would insist we keep our eyes open,” said Vernon Wheeler, one of nearly 10,000 dizzy, vomiting protestors who say they’ve been treated unfairly since suffering severe head trauma. “It’s time for people to stop holding up three fingers in front of our faces and insisting they’re actually holding up one. If we want to stare at bright lights or lay down in the street for a quick nap or touch the blood coming out of our ears, that’s our right as Americans. It’s nobody’s business but our own if we know where we are or who the current president is.” At press time, D.C. police were dispatched to break up the march after hundreds of recently concussed protestors tumbled down the stairs of the Lincoln Memorial.

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