PATMOS, GREECE—In a stunning discovery that has Biblical scholars across the world racing for an interpretation, archaeologists from the University of Cambridge found a hitherto unseen passage from the Book of Revelation Thursday in which the prophet John of Patmos foresaw the “violent reign of the red-headed boy-king.” “Translated from the original Koine Greek, the text predicts ‘the child prince who is to come’ will offer to unite all of humanity and ‘the people will wonder and follow, signing covenant with him.’ But the people will be betrayed, and the rule of the boy-king will lead to destruction and bloodshed,” said lead archaeologist Dr. Edward Tollington, noting the two-millennia-old document also warns of “a beast dwelling in the ruler’s tower, born not of flesh, but of beaten copper, iron, and of light, that tempts the hearts and bends the minds of men” and which slowly poisons humanity with the sins of greed, lust, envy, gluttony, and sloth. “Hand-illuminated portions of the scroll depict a hail of burning sulfur falling on the ruins of once-powerful kingdoms as the leaders of the world kneel before ‘the great man-child who stands but eight hands high, his hair a crown of swirling hellfire.’ Using microspectral imaging technology, scientists have also found a faded illustration of what appears to be a spellbound army of followers inexplicably transfixed by the small, glowing rectangular objects they wield.” Tollington added that those who favor a more literal interpretation of eschatological prophecies speculate that the red-headed boy-king will usher in the Great Tribulation at the end of days, though many other critics said its content should be treated strictly as allegory.


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