WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that the practice was neither sterile nor sanitary, American Red Cross officials issued a reminder Friday that they cannot accept donations from people who approach them with loose blood cupped in their hands. “While we certainly appreciate the act of generosity, we must discourage any potential donors from approaching one of our workers with a small puddle of plasma cradled in your hands,” said American Red Cross President Gail McGovern, describing the thousands of gallons of donations lost every year when individuals either try to hand their loose blood to a volunteer or simply mutter “here’s some blood” before dumping it on the floor of a Red Cross facility. “Also, we must stress that individuals can’t enter a clinic covering an openly bleeding wound and tell us to just take as much as we want. Jesus Christ, just come to us and let a trained professional do their work.” McGovern added that she should not need to clarify this, but that the blood always needs to come from a human, rather than a goat or cow.
More from The Onion