CHICAGO—In a matter-of-fact press release addressed to “consumers who might be interested in this sort of thing,” ConAgra Foods informally announced Friday that their Reddi-Wip nozzles can easily fit into most orifices on the human body. “Since our founding in 1948, we’ve been committed to providing Americans with high-quality and affordable whipped dessert toppings. And, oh, by the way, not sure we’ve ever mentioned this, but you know that tapered spout slides nicely into your asshole, right?” the press release, issued without fanfare and with no apparent occasion attached, read in part. The product briefing also said that “just as a heads up,” careful Reddi-Wip enthusiasts would encounter no difficulty in taking a can from their original, chocolate, or non-dairy flavor lines and inserting the tip into their vagina. “I’m not sure if we’ve mentioned before how easy it is to work one of these things up a nostril or into an ear canal. Mind you, we’re not here to say there’s anything wrong with just sliding Reddi-Wip between your toes, but would Reddi-Wip stop you from taking that extra step into the creamy, delicious unknown? Never. And just in case you wanted to know—lightly massaging, you know, yourself with Reddi-Wip while rotating the can ever so slightly creates a sensation so unbelievably euphoric that you won’t want to self-pleasure any other way again. Feel free to do what you want with this information.” ConAgra Foods was later forced to issue a press release specifically defining the orifices in which their product does not fit upon learning that 130,000 consumers had been hospitalized with urethral contusions.
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