NEW YORK—Forecasting that the bond trading industry would soon experience “long-overdue yield corrections,” an article published in The Wall Street Journal Tuesday with the headline “Reflationary Boom Incapable of Helping U.S. Bond Market Recovery” is, in fact, a detailed account of how your entire savings will soon be completely wiped out. “The shaky and as-yet incomplete recovery of the U.S. bond market has already plagued the industry with doubts over ready capital and cash positioning,” the article read in part, implying obscurely but with confidence that your entire life’s savings will soon be liquidated and that you and your family will be homeless in a matter of weeks. “While we’ve seen increases in employment which might normally impact the inflationary model, the current minor boom is only creating further stagflation [which will ultimately leave you with nothing]. Transitory rates on the Asian markets are clearly insufficient to leverage significant long-term yields, [which condemns you to a life of wandering the streets, blind from malnutrition, begging the squatters in the ruins for cast-off scraps to feed your children].” At press time, readers’ eyes were glazing over at the sight of an article about a 2% drop in equities, a macroeconomic phenomenon that will eventually kill you.
More from The Onion