SANDY SPRINGS, GA—Startled by the glazed-over pair of eyes staring back at her in the mirror, local woman Kelsey Houghton confirmed Wednesday that her reflection was way drunker than she had anticipated. “Jesus fucking Christ, what happened?” said Houghton, who reportedly leaned close to the bathroom mirror, appraising her appearance with horrified curiosity as she tried to make sense of how she had become so visibly intoxicated despite arriving at the party just a short hour and a half ago. “My hair. My eyes. Oh no, no, no, no. Hopefully it’s just bad lighting. Come on, get a grip on yourself. Be normal. Act normal. Practice one good normal smile—there we go. Maybe I should splash some water on my face? Shit, now I’m all wet. At least I look normal when I do finger guns and wink. Okay, now stop talking to yourself. I said, ‘Stop it.’ Is that wing sauce on my shirt? Did I even eat a Buffalo wing?” At press time, sources reported that Houghton was studying her appearance from the reflection in the toilet bowl.