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Refreshingly Frank Therapist Suggests Shooting President

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EVANSTON, IL—Expressing relief that she finally found a mental health professional whose style works for her, local woman Michelle Barrett’s refreshingly frank therapist reportedly suggested Tuesday that her client try shooting the president. “A lot of therapists I’ve worked with talk around in circles and try to guide me toward finding solutions for myself, but it’s like, if you know that murdering the leader of the free world is going to help me, then just say it!” said Barrett, adding that she felt so much lighter now that she knew there were actionable steps she could take to curb her emotions, which she likely would have never thought of on her own had her therapist not mentioned assassination as a viable outlet for her depression and anxiety. “While she of course maintained that no path to healing is one-size-fits-all, I appreciate that she skipped over all the positive-thinking psychobabble and came right out to say that all of these voices crowding my head would immediately dissipate once I had the president in my crosshairs and pulled the trigger. Now I have a material path toward wellness as opposed to all of the vaguely spiritual and internally driven work I was expected to do by my past counselors. I finally see that depression is a real sickness, and that it comes directly from the top of the U.S. government and must be eradicated by any means necessary. Like, duh! How did I not see that before?” At press time, Barrett was seen practicing radical self-care in the form of casing the White House disguised as a press contact.