WASHINGTON—Startled sources at a GOP fundraiser confirmed Thursday that after being duped into saying his own name backwards, ancient elfin mischief-maker and Republican National Committee chairman Reince Priebus was cast back into the gilded puzzle box that has confined him for millennia.
Priebus, a wily, mystical creature who has reportedly carried out right-wing political trickery at numerous points throughout recorded history, was said to be delivering a speech on traditional family values when he unthinkingly read the words “Subeirp Ecnier” aloud off the teleprompter, immediately causing the lights in the Omni Hotel to flicker and sending a powerful, chilling wind through the convention hall.
Witnesses stated that in the moments after the fateful words were uttered, Priebus reverted to his natural form as a 3-and-a-half-foot-tall wart-covered hobgoblin. As Priebus’ nose grew red and bulbous and the points of his green felt shoes coiled inward, the puzzle box—forged with images of a sword, a skull, and a jackal—shook violently on a nearby tabletop before splitting open and emitting heavy smoke and an eerie purple glow.
“Oh, no, you tricked me!” the irate conservative dwarf is said to have shouted after invoking the curse, his voice growing higher in pitch as he shrank to one-twelfth his normal size. “No, not again! Mark my words: I’ll be back! I’ll come back to get all of you! I always come back! The world hasn’t seen the last of Reince Priebus!”
“Government must be smaller!” the tiny-voiced Priebus reportedly added before a vortex of sparkling light began sucking him into the other-dimensional void within the ancient container. “Smaaaaalleeeeer!”
According to onlookers, as the unseen force tugged him toward the puzzle box, Priebus clutched desperately to the lectern and cursed the fate that awaited him, managing to squeak out one last plea to cut federal abortion funding before disappearing into the glowing chamber.
“It was the strangest thing,” conservative blogger Christine Parnell said. “One second Reince was talking about the importance of a two-parent household, and the next he turned into this ugly, shrieking little troll and began levitating across the podium. But as soon as the box snapped shut around him, all the lights came back on, the wind stopped, and it was as if he never existed at all.”
While it remained unclear who planted the incantation on Priebus’ teleprompter, sources suggested it was likely Democratic National Committee chairwoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz, a frequent victim of the gremlinlike creature’s fiendish ploys and deceptions, which are said to include orchestration of the Citizens United decision, the congressional debt-ceiling standoff, and the 2012 Republican Party platform.
Priebus is believed to have concocted dozens of right-leaning schemes since assuming the form of a human male upon his most recent release from the box in 2009, and scholars said the diminutive, frequently giggling prankster has been engaging in socially conservative and business deregulation hijinks for centuries.
“Whenever there’s been a major historical movement toward eliminating social programs, the deceptive elf Reince Priebus has typically been involved,” said Cambridge University historian Arnold Bissel, stating that dozens of cultures throughout history have oral traditions speaking of a “wild-eyed devious creature” who pestered his progressive political foes. “Time and time again he’s wreaked his havoc, whether it’s slashing taxes on the wealthiest, disenfranchising voter blocs, stealing berries, or stymieing women’s rights. Reince Priebus is a crafty little imp.”
“However, he’s easily susceptible to the same tricks he plays on others,” the scholar continued. “In the end, the mischievous little fellow always gets deceived himself and winds up back in his tiny cage.”
While the precise origins of Reince Priebus remain shrouded in mystery, it is widely believed he was conjured by ancient druids from fire and untaxed business profits to serve as an eternal protector of corporate interests and lax weapons laws. According to Bissell, ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs provide the first known depiction of the being: a miniature pointy-eared figure who advised pharaohs and who, according to lore, was revered as a god for his advocacy of a robust national defense and Egyptian exceptionalism.
Additionally, writings about an oily elfin deceiver known as “the Prybus” have placed the legendary creature in the Irish midlands in the 16th century, alongside emperors of China’s Tang Dynasty, among the Austrian Habsburgs, and within the Roman court of Pompey, where he allegedly solidified a place as a valued aide with his ability to secure limitless campaign contributions.
“What’s most bizarre is that the puzzle box has no visible lock or mechanical components at all,” Bissell said. “Indeed, it can only be opened when a young conservative firstborn who is pure of heart holds it tightly with both hands and utters ‘Government spending is out of control’ three times, thereby summoning forth Reince Priebus once more.”
At press time, the whereabouts of the golden puzzle box containing the demonic right-wing trickster were unknown.