GARDEN CITY, GA—Admitting that they often felt like they were still on their first date, local couple Derek Peterson and Tara Meyers told reporters Tuesday that they were in the early, exciting stage of their relationship where every interaction causes deep, unspeakable anxiety. “It’s only been a few weeks, so we’re still in that fun part where you closely examine every single thing you say, carefully choosing each word and rehearsing it in your head to make sure nothing can be misconstrued as off-putting,” said Meyers, adding that she and Peterson were for the moment just savoring the thrill of overanalyzing every text message for signs that some sort of offense was taken. “Sure, couples change over time, but for now we’re just gonna enjoy worrying whether a minor pause in a phone conversation was an indication that someone’s feelings were hurt and that the entire relationship is now being called into question.” Meyers went on to say that she hoped their relationship would eventually reach a quieter but more enduring stage where they would simply ignore everything they said to one another.

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