BEDMINSTER, NJ—Upon realizing the FBI had only searched his Florida home for classified White House documents, former President Donald J. Trump expressed relief to reporters Tuesday, saying that he had assumed the early morning raid of his Palm Beach resort was all about the bodies. “Thank God! When I first heard federal agents had executed a search warrant on Mar-a-Lago, I thought for sure they were there for the human remains hidden everywhere throughout the grounds of the estate,” said Trump, who explained that after he learned of the raid, he worried a warrant would be issued for his arrest on charges related to the discovery of several hundred heavily disfigured corpses belonging to business adversaries, pageant contestants, political enemies, and various others who had displayed inadequate fealty to him over the past four decades. “I just can’t believe they were there for some measly papers instead of the large pile of skulls that sits in the middle of the Grand Ballroom, or the still-decomposing arms and legs that protrude from sand traps all over the golf course. But good for me! If they want to haul a bunch of boxes out of that place while walking upon the shallow, unmarked graves of people I’ve had tortured and killed, what do I care?” Trump added that he should send a gift to the FBI, thanking the agency for removing all the documents and making room for even more bodies.
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