WASHINGTON—With the disclosure of widespread abuse threatening to undermine communities of faith across the nation, sources confirmed Tuesday that religion had once again been rocked by something or other having to do with molestation. “Thousands of American churches are reeling in the wake of a bunch more sexual assault stuff,” said national religion reporter Alfred Somu, adding that a lot of these molesting things involved children, and that U.S. congregations had not been this rattled since the last time they were told about all the molesting their pastors had done. “Hearing about this systematic predatory whatever can test the faith of churchgoers, having broad implications for blah blah blah you’re not listening, no one is paying attention, no one ever does, only a fraction of these people are ever held accountable, and worship services will continue on Sunday as usual, with the culture of whichever denomination it was this time remaining largely unchanged.” At press time, reports confirmed most church congregants had already totally forgotten about that kid-raping business.
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