COLUMBUS, OH—Expressing regret at the unfortunate error, remorseful internet poster Dan Hitchins, 33, reportedly deleted his comment Thursday upon realizing he accidentally told the wrong stranger to kill themselves. “Sorry about that, I never intended to say something so caustic and terrible to you, and I am deeply sorry I typed such awful things in the completely wrong thread,” said Hitchins under his username godsoldier, clarifying that the the “blow your brains out” remark was intended for a “total fucking moron” and not the innocent person that he had replied to inadvertently. “I’m so embarrassed! After some reflection, I have decided to retract that horrendous comment as well as the one I was about to type that indicated you should close your laptop and immediately take off your belt and hang yourself since no one would miss such loser, and I will instead be forwarding these messages to the proper channels—namely the idiotic shithead a few lines down who had the gall to say that Infinity War is a far inferior film to the first Avengers movie. I have no ill will with you, stranger, and wish you a blessed day. Unless—you don’t agree with him, do you?” At press time, Hitchins had been temporarily banned from the local grocery store Instagram page where the incident occurred.
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