INDIANAPOLIS—An exhaustive three-year internal investigation has confirmed that a full 100 percent of college football players receive the advantages that come with being a college football player, the NCAA reported Friday. "We were frankly stunned at the benefits athletes received when it came to classwork, housing, transportation, tuition, even food. There appears to be no part of the college experience in which one doesn't receive special treatment in exchange for playing football," the report read in part. "In truth, it's inaccurate to use the term 'student athlete' in describing these young men, as one of the benefits of being a college football player is never having to cram for tests, attend a study group, or take out a student loan. It's shocking that these practices are tolerated at our nation's institutions of higher learning." The report ultimately concluded that while a litany of unfair benefits are rampant in NCAA football, this year's Auburn-Oregon championship matchup does look like a pretty amazing game that surely can't be missed.