NASHVILLE, TN—A new report published Friday by researchers at Vanderbilt University revealed that 17 new species of bacteria are discovered every day during expeditions into the lush plastic foliage of the world’s Rainforest Cafés. “During our study, our researchers identified and classified more than 12,000 previously unknown microbes living in the Rainforest Café biome,” said lead author Nadia Lopez, adding that an astonishing number of unicellular microorganisms were thriving on the rims of Cheetah Rita glasses, in pools of water on the tables, and deep within the chocolate lava volcano cake. “It’s challenging for biologists to keep up with the rate at which new endotoxin-secreting species are discovered. And we’ve only worked our way through the first few items on the menu.” The researchers went on to speculate that the gift shop would likely contain undiscovered bacteria all its own.