BOSTON—According to an eye-opening report released Tuesday, 60 million people whom you would never talk to, would never be in a position to talk to, and wouldn't even be able to talk to if you tried will be voting for the other candidate in this year's presidential election, and there is nothing you can do about it.
The 110-page document reveals that these strangers share a fundamental vision of our nation's future, a vision that shockingly runs completely counter to your own and is furthermore embodied by the candidate whom you could not in a million years fathom being the leader of the free world. Even more frightening, the report says, is that their votes count just as much as yours.
"While you are 100 percent certain that your preferred candidate's stance on issues such as foreign policy and the economy would appeal to any human being with half a brain, there is, in this very same country, an equally large voting bloc which believes that you and your candidate of choice are absolutely insane," the report's co-author Dr. Mark Grier said during a press conference. "Every single thing you love about your candidate's personality, vice presidential pick, and family, 60 million other registered voters absolutely deplore."
"What you consider to be this country's ruin," Grier added, "these other people actually consider to be this country's savior."
The report also confirmed that even if you were able to communicate with these other citizens, your passion and conviction would never be enough to convince them not to vote for their candidate, just as they would never be able to convince you not to vote for your candidate, and just as nobody can convince anybody else that what they believe to be right is wrong, regardless of how clear the evidence to the contrary may be.
The report maintained that, during your purely hypothetical discussion, both of you would come off as smug, narrow-minded, or downright ignorant if you tried to criticize the other candidate's positions on key issues such as abortion and gay rights. The ensuing argument would only further cement both of your feelings of disgust toward the other candidate.
And yet incredibly, sources said, neither one of you would technically be wrong.
Because—and this is reportedly the most maddening part—even though these people's unwavering support for their candidate completely dumbfounds you, you cannot even get angry at them, since they are not voting for him because they are idiots or because they want to spite you, but rather because they actually believe that he is the better choice to run our nation.
The study, which comes as a result of 20 years of research conducted in America's cities, suburbs, and rural towns, indicates that residents living in places you "wouldn't be caught dead in" have never even once considered voting for your candidate at any point during the campaign, and never will, and this is just the way it is always going to be.
The report confirms that this frustrates you.
"The mere fact that you and these 60 million strangers actually live in the same country and salute the same flag seems to defy all reality, yet it's completely true," University of Pennsylvania sociology professor Dr. Marie Stratton said. "And what's even more incredible, there is no indication that you will ever talk to these people about your differences, because you prefer conversing with those who validate your opinions and give you a sense of self-satisfaction."
According to the report, based on the social and cultural trends in the nation, over the next 20 years the number of people with whom you would never speak is only expected to increase. By the 2032 election, there will be an astonishing 150 million people you will never meet who will hate you and your candidate with the same fervent passion with which you will hate them and their candidate.
"I'm voting for [the other guy] all the way," Ohio resident Ethan Washburn said in a statement Monday. "I think that when it comes to foreign and domestic issues, he is best suited for the job. And anyone who thinks otherwise is an idiot."
"I'm voting for [the candidate opposite of Washburn] all the way," Florida resident Tom Redman said in a statement Monday. "I think that when it comes to foreign and domestic issues, he is best suited for the job. And anyone who thinks otherwise is an idiot."
Remarkably, the one thing you do have in common with these 60 million other people is that you both know several assholes who are actually planning to vote for a third-party candidate, if you can believe that shit.