Report: 80% Of All Traffic Accidents Caused By Drivers Gawking At Shirtless Hunks

The Transportation secretary says thousands of automobile crashes could be prevented each day if the nation’s beefcakes kept their biceps and ripped abs covered.

WASHINGTON—Signaling an alarming and dangerous trend for the nation’s motorists, the U.S. Department of Transportation released a report Friday revealing that four out of five traffic accidents are caused by drivers taking their eyes off the road to ogle shirtless hunks.

The report confirmed that in 2013, more than 7 million passenger cars and light trucks were involved in minor collisions, rollovers, and multi-vehicle accidents that resulted from drivers who were distracted by checking out the taut and tanned muscles of gorgeous young studs.


“Our data indicates that gawking at the washboard abs of a grade-A beefcake jogging on the sidewalk, even for just a few seconds, dramatically increases the likelihood of driver error and crash risk,” said DOT spokesperson Hugh Tucker, noting that looking in the side mirror for another quick peek at a smoking hot landscaper wiping sweat from his brow was the country’s leading cause of rear-end crashes. “Unfortunately, many motorists assume they can safely gape at bare-chested man-meat, but the sight of perfectly chiseled pectoral muscles glistening in the sun can often prove to be so mesmerizing that drivers don’t look away before drifting into another lane of traffic.”

“When you turn your attention away from steering to rubberneck at a totally ripped dreamboat, you are needlessly endangering yourself and everyone on the road,” added Tucker.

According to the Department of Transportation, approximately 7,000 drivers per day do a double take of a bronze-skinned hunk’s rock-hard torso, bite their lip, and then mouth the words “oh my” as they carelessly swerve into a guardrail or over a curb. In addition, the use of a handheld device to shoot a quick photo of a mouth-watering studmuffin’s broad, rippling shoulders has contributed to 20 percent of all accidents reported to police.

Experts stressed that certain stretches of road can prove especially dangerous, particularly in summer months, when strapping heartthrobs with firm bods are more likely to forgo a shirt while mowing the lawn or playing football with a group of equally buff hotties.


“Areas with a high density of muscular eye candy are quite treacherous—traffic generally slows down to take a good look at sinewy Adonises along running routes or near construction sites, and it often leads to a lot of congestion and fender benders,” said highway safety advocate George Proval. “That intersection at Muscle Beach in Santa Monica is essentially a death trap.”

“I’ve personally seen a number of multiple-car pileups that were the direct result of drivers craning their necks to bask in the full glory of a brawny hunk spotting for another waxed, oiled-up slab of manflesh pumping iron,” he added.


Proval cautioned that when motorists encounter a delectable, musclebound looker, they should immediately pull over to the curb or highway shoulder, stop the vehicle, and drink in every square inch of the powerful, hard-bodied stud before proceeding to their destination.

Topeka, KS resident Lauren Hyde told reporters she learned firsthand that, in just the short span of time it takes to get an eyeful of a tantalizing, powerfully built hunk wringing out a soapy sponge, control of the vehicle has already been lost.


“I was driving over to my sister’s place a few months ago when I noticed a unit of volunteer firefighters holding a carwash fundraiser,” said Hyde, who was recently involved in a collision after her sedan spun out across the median into oncoming traffic. “The last thing I remember was saying, ‘Come to mama,’ and then I woke up in a hospital bed.”

“I keep replaying that moment over and over in my head,” Hyde continued. “I just wish I could have gotten one more glance at his sexy six-pack.”


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