PHILADELPHIA—The University of Pennsylvania published the results of a report Tuesday revealing that 83 percent of Americans just want to put on a pair of sunglasses and firmly say the phrase, “let’s do this.” “After analyzing the collected data, it appears that an overwhelming majority of the U.S. population has a primal desire to unfold a badass pair of shades, slide them onto their head, and firmly state ‘let’s do this’ to a close acquaintance or partner in crime,” said study co-author Matthew Pritzker, adding that regardless of age or gender, subjects across the country had a consistent, carnal need to flick a pair of reflective aviators from the top of their head onto the bridge of their nose, throw a jacket over their shoulder, and utter, “let’s rock and roll.” “Of course, there are some variations in preferences—for example, some respondents say they would deliver the line ‘let’s do this’ with a slight smile or head-nod and then put on the sunglasses, while others would prefer to already be wearing sunglasses and add a deadpan ‘daddy’s coming’ with a slight nod at the end. Sadly, though, all too few Americans will ever get the chance to do any of this.” The report concluded that fewer than 1 percent of Americans want to don a monocle and exclaim, “Well, my dear fellow, it is time to accomplish the act to which we have committed ourselves, forthwith!”

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