Illustration for article titled Report: 87% Of Goldman Sachs Employees Began Job With Plans To Take Down Company From Inside

DURHAM, NC—Dispelling the myth of the young Wall Street go-getter, a report released by Duke University’s Fuqua School of Business on Wednesday revealed that 87 percent of Goldman Sachs employees actually began their jobs with plans to take down the multinational financial conglomerate from the inside. “Our data indicate that nearly nine out of 10 entry-level employees at Goldman Sachs started off as idealistic crusaders who only pursued investment banking careers to wage a campaign of internal subversion in order to bring the corrupt capitalist machine to its knees,” read the report in part, adding that most staffers abandon their grand schemes by their second or third year upon receiving a few bonuses or securing their first promotion. “As more time passes, all of these would-be saboteurs who planted themselves within the belly of the beast slowly begin to consider how they’ve adjusted to a certain lifestyle, and the goals of dismantling the company become significantly more difficult when faced with massive salaries, comprehensive health insurance, and generous vacation time.” The report also confirmed that many of these employees eventually go on to champion Goldman Sachs, frequently noting how much the company gives to charity.

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