AUSTIN, TX—Explaining how they would have moved on with their lives a long time ago, a report released Monday by researchers at the University of Texas revealed that more than 90 percent of Americans would have easily gotten over their ex-partner by now. “Our evidence suggests that, by this point, the vast majority of individuals would no longer continuously question where their previous relationship went wrong, and would regularly go days, even weeks at a time without giving a single thought to their former partner,” said the report’s lead author, Irene Landry, adding that less than one in 10 individuals would allow themselves to still incessantly check social media for clues as to what their ex has been up to or agonize over whether or not to text them. “Not only would nearly every other American be unbothered after seeing a picture on Facebook of their old partner on vacation with someone new, roughly half would be genuinely happy at the prospect of them being in a new relationship. Furthermore, we found that about 70 percent of people would have already entered into a new happy and fulfilling relationship of their own, never looking back through photos of themselves and their ex together and wondering what could have been.” Landry added that 100 percent of people who still sometimes imagine getting back together with their previous partner will never again find anything remotely resembling what they once felt and will die bitter and alone.

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