BOSTON—According to a report published this week in the New England Journal of Medicine, approximately 8 million muscle injuries result every year from attempted displays of masculinity. “Our research has found that individuals’ efforts to portray themselves as macho are responsible for, on average, over 20,000 strained muscles each day, from the trapezius muscles of those who insist they can carry a mattress up the stairs on their own rather than seek out additional assistance, to the abdominal external obliques of male friends who decide to engage in contests to see who can jump up and touch a high object,” said the study’s lead researcher Bruce Lennox, adding that 250,000 of these injuries are solely attributable to men straining their lumbar regions after trying to pick up another friend at a party. “Most individuals may be confident that, say, wrestling an acquaintance to the ground in their basement or outside a sporting event can be an effective means of earning the admiration of one’s peers. But what we’ve discovered is that the vast majority of American men simply do not possess the necessary knowledge or physical prowess to accomplish these demonstrations of manhood without doing damage to themselves.” While underscoring the hazardous nature of these acts, researchers stressed that when properly pulled off, these sorts of acts would look absolutely incredible and quickly earn the respect of one’s acquaintances and the admiration of all nearby women.

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