NEWARK, DE—Citing evidence gained from observational studies of thousands of citizens nationwide, a report published Monday by the University of Delaware found that the average American feels comfortable in their own skin for only 6 percent of the day. “Our findings suggest that the majority of individuals feel perfectly at ease with themselves for a total of 58 minutes during their waking day, with the rest of the time generally spent in a punishing spiral of self-loathing and humiliation,” said lead researcher Steven Platz, adding that, at any given moment, nearly 95 percent of Americans feel like they just want to disappear. “Most subjects exhibited brief signs of contentment before leaving for work and then didn’t feel anything remotely resembling happiness again until just before bed, though often those pleasant feelings were quickly vanquished by the pressure to get a good night’s rest and the realization that they would have to continue the cycle anew once they woke up again.” Platz added that levels of confidence and assuredness in one’s self had been known to reach as high as 9 or even 10 percent of one’s day, but noted that these were extremely rare instances in which the subject slept in, also took an afternoon nap, and ended up ordering delivery rather than attending a social gathering.

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