PHOENIX—Based on a $3-million multi-decade study, a report released Wednesday by sociologists at Arizona State University found that the best indicator of a kickass party was still a pizza spinning on a turntable. “A stale, greasy pizza revolving on a turntable in place of a vinyl record remains the gold standard of what separates an average social gathering from an absolute fucking rager,” said Dr. Isaiah Banks, adding that for a house party to qualify as “totally killer,” it must include a 9-1 beer-to-person ratio, a mattress floating in a swimming pool, and at least three bras strewn across a chandelier. “Prior to the 1980s, the best indicators for a bangin’ party were a guest wearing a lampshade on his head or opening the master bedroom door to see several people engaged in sexual intercourse. While today’s kickass parties require a spinning pizza with the stylus riding along the coagulated cheese, there are other ways to gauge a bash, such as how many lightweight dweebs puke in the fish tank or whether or not the stoners ashed a joint into a loved one’s urn.” According to Banks, the number-one indicator of a lame party was still a drunk athlete jumping off the roof and becoming paralyzed.

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