TOMBSTONE, AZ—According to a report released this week by the National Institutes of Health, the leading causes of death in the United States have markedly decreased in overall coolness over the last century, with researchers noting a sharp and steady decline in the number of Americans who have died from steam-engine boiler room mishaps, being ripped apart by ravenous wolves, and sustaining a pitchfork directly to the gut. “Historically, Americans have been known to meet their demise in any number of untimely, mind-blowing ways, from being stampeded by runaway cattle to having their head crushed by a 2-ton block of falling ice they had hoisted into the air off the back of a wagon—yet these awesome fates have been almost entirely replaced by heart disease and diabetes,” said lead researcher Dr. Stan Rosen, emphasizing that there has not been one recorded death from being kicked by an ornery horse and stumbling backward into an open well in the past 100 years. “The average life expectancy in the U.S. has climbed to 75.6 years as fewer and fewer Americans die from cameras with exploding flashbulbs, grisly full-body infections caused by a single splinter, or putting on pants that happened to have a coiled rattlesnake resting inside them. Nowadays, citizens are succumbing to completely unentertaining demises, often from natural causes, which is terribly boring for the rest of us.” Rosen added that the easiest way to regain lost coolness is to nationally reinstate dueling as the preferred means of conflict resolution.
A Million Ways to Die in the West hits theaters nationwide May 30.