CHICAGO—Offering readers a nice little kickback in exchange for their assistance, a report released Friday promised that if you click on some ads around this article, The Onion would spit the loot 60/40. “We can confirm that your efforts to click on the advertisements around our website will generate profits for The Onion, and we will slip you a handsome cut for your troubles,” the report read in part, explaining that just a few simple clicks on a targeted banner ad or sponsored link had the potential to richly reward both parties, if everyone plays along that is.“Sure, we’re keeping the lion’s share, but we’re also taking on all the risk with our advertisers and everything. Just keep this shit on the down low. If they catch wind of this, we’re totally fucked, so you’re actually getting the better end of the deal here. It’s just a couple of ad impressions, what’s the harm? So, what do you say? If you scratch our back, we’ll scratch yours.” At press time, sources added that if you so much as a make a goddamn peep about this to our ad partners, The Onion will break your fucking legs.