WASHINGTON—Explaining that your name is now permanently on multiple databases run by the federal law enforcement branch, a new report issued Tuesday confirmed that, well, you’ve done it: By having clicked on this link, you have been added to several FBI watchlists. Despite the fact that you could have easily scrolled past and abstained from navigating to this article, several reports indicated that, uh oh, you are now being tracked by federal agents as a potential terrorist and are prohibited from crossing state lines or leaving the country, all because you couldn’t help yourself. High-ranking officials in the U.S. intelligence community told reporters that regardless of whether you erase your browser history, delete your cookies, or even destroy the device you’re currently using, it’s too late. In fact, several reports indicated that given how much you’ve just fucked up, your best bet now is to bleach your hair, shave off your fingerprints, and fake your own death, as there are several federal agents on their way to take you into custody as you waste your last few moments of freedom reading this. At press time, anonymous FBI sources recommended that you say goodbye to your loved ones and get a move on, seeing as you only have 15 minutes left and the clock is ticking.
More from The Onion