WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that these projections necessitate immediate action, a report released Thursday by the Environmental Protection Agency revealed that global climate change will force humans to double the speed of their ice cream consumption by the year 2050. “Should greenhouse gas emissions rise according to our current forecasts, the entire global population will need to adapt their ice cream eating habits to the resultant higher temperatures, or risk exposing themselves to sticky hands, faces, and clothing as scoops begin dripping with unprecedented quickness,” said the report’s lead author Amy Ellison, explaining that, within a single generation, humans will have no choice but to eschew any sort of cone and instead opt for a cup and spoon to better contain the faster-melting treat. “Unless we take the necessary steps to reduce CO2 emissions on a global scale, our fate is sealed: ice cream will have to be eaten hastily and hurriedly before it becomes a goopy mess. Our grandchildren might never know what it’s like to truly savor their sundaes.” The study predicted dire consequences for humanity as a result of doubling its ice cream consumption speeds, including higher incidences of indigestion and devastating ice cream headaches that could ravage the entire global populace.

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