MEDFORD, MA—Calling such behavior a guaranteed indicator of severe underlying derangement, a report published Tuesday by researchers at Tufts University confirmed that any person who really, truly likes a politician is batshit insane. “Our findings established a conclusive link between experiencing genuine fondness for a political figure and being a fucking lunatic,” said the report’s lead author Dr. Rachel Strathmore, who urged anyone who had ever felt inspired by a politician, or worse, owned an article of clothing with a politician’s face on it, to immediately seek professional mental help. “It doesn’t matter if they’re at the local, state, or federal level—our data show that if you sense any kind of interpersonal connection with an elected leader or candidate, even just a little, you’re a delusional maniac and your brain is fundamentally broken. A healthy, rational human mind understands politicians as a means to achieve a political goal and nothing more, but when someone inappropriately perceives real affection for them, that’s pure psychosis. Anyone proudly calling themselves a ‘Mitt Romney stan’ or a ‘Jeanne Shaheenista’ is actually saying, ‘I am pathologically fixated on an unlikable stranger and require extreme psychiatric intervention at once.’ Politicians aren’t your friends, they don’t enrich you culturally or spiritually, and they don’t love you back. Only someone completely detached from reality would think otherwise.” Strathmore also emphasized that while some forms of liking politicians could be treated with extensive therapy, anyone who expresses sexual attraction to a politician should be humanely euthanized on sight.
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