CHICAGO—Emphasizing that the beautiful, intelligent young woman—the apple of your eye—was officially gone and never, ever coming back, a report released Tuesday confirmed that your decision to read the above headline has erased your future daughter Emily in all possible timelines. “By the time you read this sentence, you will have irrevocably removed yourself from any world in which you could have held your newborn baby girl, called her ‘The most incredible child [you’ve] ever laid eyes upon,’ and vowed to love and protect her forever,” read the report in part, explaining that such indescribable, almost magical experiences as hearing 9-month-old Emily utter her first word, ‘Da-Da,’ pushing 6-year-old Emily on a backyard swing one breezy Summer night, and watching 22-year-old Emily graduate from college as tears fill your eyes also ceased to exist as of this moment. “Furthermore, by reading this far into the article, you just missed the chance to meet your soulmate, with whom you would have brought ‘Little Emma-Bear’ into this world, and who would have stayed by your side through everything and taken care of you into your old age. Sadly, at this point, there’s no way to fix it, either—no matter how hard you try, it’s already too late.” According to the report, in reading this sentence, you have also placed yourself in a timeline where you will be saddled with Mark, a fuck-up of a son who, instead of bringing joy, disappoints you constantly.

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