BOSTON—Despite everyone laughing at what is admittedly a very silly misunderstanding, a report released Tuesday found that you should not be fooled and that even now the seeds of resentment are taking root. “Go ahead and yuck it up about the ridiculous mishap, but make no mistake, the bitterness is already building, and soon the merriment shall be drowned in a flood of hatred and strife,” the report read in part, stressing that this moment of mirth is but a calm before the storm, and all who smile and make merry together now shall become the foulest of enemies before the laughter has even died. “Do you not hear the cold edge already stealing into your once-gleeful jests? Can you not see the hint of suspicion brewing in those eyes once filled with tears of amusement? Ah, but were you not warned? Within this innocent little jape has always lain the kernel of a great reckoning that will bring all of you revelers to your knees.” At press time, the report added that it wasn’t even clear what was so funny about a high school shop teacher getting his penis stuck in a vise.
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