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Report: Everyone Was Counting On You And You Let Them Down

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COLUMBUS, OH—The sorrow in their eyes evident as they spoke in unnervingly subdued, hushed tones, sources confirmed Tuesday that everybody was counting on you and you let them down. “Well, you really blew it this time,” said sources who lowered and shook their heads as they expressed just how high the stakes had been, and what a complete and utter disappointment you turned out to be. “I hope you know we really trusted you. There’s nothing we can do about it now though. It’s too late.” At press time, sources were listening to your response with a sad little smile on their faces.