NEW YORK—Noting that the pop hit was certain to have far greater longevity than the entirety of your earthly works, a new report released Wednesday found that the song “Centerfold,” by The J. Geils Band will outlast you and all you create in this life. “After extensive research, we have conclusively shown that the 1982 chart-topping single from the album Freeze Frame will survive long after you and everyone whose life you have affected are long dead,” said lead author Peter Ward, adding that the dance-rock anthem telling the story of a man who is shocked to discover a spread featuring his high school crush in a pornographic magazine will still be playing on the radio and streaming online for decades after the whole of your existence has been completely forgotten. “As you can see, while your bones will have turned to dust and everything you love and cherish will have been obliterated, lyrics such as ‘Those soft and fuzzy sweaters/Too magical to touch/To see her in that negligee/Is really just too much’ will continue to endure.” Ward added that the 1992 cover of “Centerfold” by German thrash metal band Tankard was guaranteed to have a bigger influence on the culture and the world at large than anything you’ve ever done.

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