MENLO PARK, CA—Warning that the criminals who breached the system had already done significant, irreversible damage, a damning new cybersecurity report released Friday found that Russian hackers had gained access to millions of Metaverse legs. “As of today, foreign agents employed by the Russian government have uncovered a security flaw in the backend of the Metaverse servers and exploited the deficiency to exert control over the legs, knees, and feet of various digital avatars,” said the report’s author, Dr. David Kline, adding that bad actors now had the ability to force users to perform countless actions, including sit, stand, jump, dance, run, or even do the splits. “At this time, Mark Zuckerberg has yet to address, and in some cases fully denied, the fact that the lower halves of many users are repeatedly doing squats, performing roundhouse kicks, or sprinting at high speeds across the Metaverse. If we don’t act soon, there’s no telling how many avatars they could manipulate to pirouette, heel kick, or do the moonwalk. Needless to say, this does not bode well for the 2024 election.” At press time, Zuckerberg came under fire after Russian hackers gained control of his neck and made his head spin wildly around in circles for the duration of a Metaverse keynote.