OMAHA, NE—A report published Thursday by psychologists at the University of Nebraska Omaha found that American teens are having less sex than previous generations, but when they do, hoo boy, you better buckle the fuck up. “Based on an analysis of youth risk behavior, we’ve seen a 20% drop in the number of high schoolers having sex compared to when Millennials, Gen Xers, and Baby Boomers were students; however, when they do engage in intercourse, hold on for dear life, because it’s balls to the fucking wall,” said lead researcher Dr. Jennifer Chen, adding that, goddamn, today’s teenagers are a whopping 800% kinkier and 40 times more likely to be into some seriously depraved shit than teens from previous decades. “Brace yourselves, because our calculations show that only one in three teens have had sex, but that subsection is fucking and sucking every hole in every way imaginable. Mouth stuff, butt stuff, P in V, group sex—you name it and these kids are doing it. In fact, because modern teens are less promiscuous, we believe their level of fuck energy builds up so that when they finally do smash, watch out, because it’s gonna be insane.” Chen also noted that those born during the Great Depression, the so-called Silent Generation, had more sex than all later generations combined, but it was mostly missionary and nothing to write home about.
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