EDGEMONT, PA—Expressing shock that the film he was watching somehow did not yet seem to be reaching its conclusion, area man Tyler Smith, 33, reported Tuesday that, holy shit, there are somehow still 50 minutes left in the movie. “This thing has been going on forever—how could there still be almost an hour left?” said Smith, who had expected the film to be 10 or 15 minutes from finishing when he checked his watch, instead finding that, Jesus Christ, the thing was barely halfway done. “I thought for sure it was wrapping up after that last scene, but we’re not even close. What can even happen for another 50 minutes? Why don’t they just, like, stop right now?” At press time, the movie had finally concluded, and a visibly moved Smith told reporters that, fucking hell, he just wanted to cry.
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