Graphic: The Onion

PHOENIX ISLANDS, KIRIBATI—Claiming to have uncovered definitive proof that the pioneer aviatrix survived following her mysterious 1937 disappearance, forensic researchers announced Thursday that a variety of human bones found on the remote western Pacific island of Nikumaroro are most likely the remains of those eaten by Amelia Earhart. “The bite marks on these uncovered femurs are a perfect match to Earhart’s dental records, clearly indicating that, after crash-landing on this island, she lived long enough to consume the area’s original inhabitants,” said archaeologist Greg Romero, whose team also found boiled human skulls, tibias sucked of their marrow, and human rib cages displaying scorch marks consistent with roasting over open flame. “We have always assumed Earhart either died on impact or survived her crash only to die of starvation within a few days, but this discovery is evidence that she lived on to hunt at least one island civilization to extinction, feasting with gusto on their flesh.” Communication with Romero’s team was lost earlier today shortly after reports that Earhart was likely still alive and tracking them as they spoke.