Report: If It Weren’t For Covid, You’d Be On A Carousel Right Now

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NEW YORK—According to a new report issued Tuesday by the United Nations Development Programme, were it not for the Covid-19 pandemic, you would be enjoying a pleasant, carefree ride on a carousel right now. “We found irrefutable evidence that in a hypothetical scenario in which the coronavirus outbreak has never occurred, a gentle breeze blows through your hair, the smell of freshly popped popcorn wafts through a park, you’re seated on a beautiful historic merry-go-round, and you’re truly, truly happy,” read the report, which clarified that regardless of where you are or what you are currently doing, if the world hadn’t been ravaged by a disease that has so far killed 2.3 million people, you would instead be waving down from the carnival ride at a gathering of all your cherished loved ones. “Our research suggests brightly colored lights would dance off the carousel’s rotating mirrors, delighting you with their enchanting, playful reflections. A calliope would pipe out “The Sidewalks Of New York” as you licked an ice cream cone, feeling weightless atop a blue-maned wooden stallion, or, if you were feeling adventurous, a ferocious lion. Had it not been for Covid, you’d be there this very minute, and your only problem in the world would be choosing which magnificent steed to ride next.” The report went on to conclude that you would ride and ride all day and all night, and no one would ever make you stop.