WASHINGTON—Capping off months of intensive research, the U.S. Department of Labor released a report Tuesday confirming that it is not in the least bit difficult to visualize the supple, nude bodies of your coworkers, and that you really ought to give it try. “It’s a simple exercise we highly recommend: Close your eyes, imagine what your officemates look like with their clothes on, and then imagine their clothes falling gently to the floor,” said Dr. Edward Collins, who noted that after a few moments of quiet meditation, 92 percent of participants in a Labor Department study were able to treat themselves to titillating visions of ripped abdominals and hypnotic curves that, under normal workplace conditions, remain hidden beneath tantalizingly thin layers of fabric. “In fact, you can do it right now while you’re sitting at your desk. Our research indicates it won’t be long before you’re rewarded with arousing mental images of your nearest colleagues—their lithe, bare chests, thighs, and buttocks glistening as their respective sex organs grow hard and wet in the boundless depths of your imagination. It’s pretty damn hot.” Department officials later acknowledged the U.S. economy loses $7.8 billion each day due to the coworkers around you who are visualizing each other’s naked bodies at this very moment.
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