Illustration for article titled Report: It Would Be A Real Shame If Something Were To Happen To You

YOUR LOCATION—A new report confirmed today that you shouldn’t test us because we’re fucking crazy, and if you’re not careful, something bad just might happen to you or someone you care about. Maybe you’re thinking about clicking out of this tab and making a break for it, sources said, but you should take a moment and ask yourself if that’s really something worth dying over. According to the report, the police may not even find it worthwhile to investigate the circumstances of your death, considering people lose their lives every day and homicide detectives in your area may not wish to jeopardize the incredibly lucrative bribes they receive from a certain publication universally regarded as America’s Finest New Source. So, the report concluded, you’re gonna read this website for as long as sources tell you to read this website, and your next stop will be this lovely little article right here.

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